Buffy Kicks Ass of Zombie Pope

Fuggin Hilarious has learned that Buffy the Vampire Slayer has suceeded in her secret mission to deal with the Vatican's latest and dirtiest secret, the accidental creation of an Undead or "Zombie" during the ornate ceremonies being performed over the recently deceased Pope John Paul II.

The details of the actual slayage are being kept confidential at this time.

The Pope's funeral proceeded on schedule.

Buffy, returning to her public personae as Sarah Michelle Geller, has decided to extend her stay in Rome. Our contact within the church, speaking on the condition that he not be named, said that Buffy was looking forward to getting pinched on the butt by those irrepressible Italian momma's boys.

"I got a nice grab of Buffy butt myself.", our informant told F.H.. "As round and firm as a twelve year old boy's. Not as tight tho, would be my bet...".

Buffy the Vampire Slayer Leaves Retirement to Slay Zombie Pope

While the rest of Christendom files past a wax dummy, Vatican officials have been concluding a secret agreement to bring the famous "Vampire Slayer" out of her much deserved retirement in a last ditch effort to cope with the growing ravages of the cannibalistic Undead Pontiff.

"We really need someone to come and kick this Pope's ass.", an anonymous Church Father told Fuggin Hilarious. "Things are really getting out of hand. He's not one of those slow and stumbling 'Dawn of the Dead' type zombies, he's '28 Days Later', quick and mean and smart, and we are just dropping like flies in there..."

Buffy, in her secret identity as Sarah Michelle Geller, is known to have arrived in Rome, but it is not known wether Michele Tractenburg, Alyson Hannigan, and Elisa Dushku, have joined her there, which would be really hot. I mean seriously, think of all those girls half-naked fighting the Zombie Pope. We are talking big comeback here.

President Bush Declares Opiates Now Officially The Religion of the Masses

Due to the overwhleming success of the war on Afghanistan, and the resounding recovery of it's poppy industry, President Bush has announced that in order to aid the Afghani economy he has under the Emergency Powers Articles of the Patriuot Act authorized a new $100 Billion program to distribute opium and heroin solely thru the auspices of the Southern Baptist church.

Those practicing religions not authorized to distribute opium are ordered to report to the appropriate authorities to be tatooed on the forehead and arm. Thosefound to be unmarked are to be burned at the stake.

"Heroin is better than sodomy", Baptist leaders agreed, "We're ready to do our part to help those godless heathens.".

Fuggin Hilarious Declared Anathema by Zombie Pope

It's sad to see an icon go bad, but because of a horrible error in latin, instead of being interred in sanctity the pope has risen to become one of the holy undead. The Cardinals responsible for this horrible reversal of X-tian dogma have been eaten. "Old, stringy, and greasy." declared the zombie pontiff, "But the wine was pretty good."

The vatican suffers in terror, and the list of the eaten grows minute by minute, but due to his infalibilty no one is willing to defy the new Zombie Pope. A flood of papal bulls have been streaming from the copy machines of the Vatican PR Office, and Fuggin Hilarious has learned that it is the subject of one of these new reeking documents of the ressurected pontif. It seems we've been excommunicated. But that is the least of the revelations...

The Zombie Pope revealed that this was, indeed, armegeddon, that we lost, and that the Antichrist G.W. Bush had prepared the way for the rapture. Basically, the Undead Pope admitted, the ribald cartoon South Park was the new Bible, and everything that was ever said in South Park episodes was totally the truth. Finally, the pope admitted that the Mormons were actually the only real christians, but the Jehovahs Witnesses were a close second.

New revelations are expected soon.