700 Club Urges Christians to "Kill Kill KIll"

While Pat Robertsons call for assasination has made the mass media, the real story has been missed. Shortly after Pat Robertson declared that the US government should kill Venezuelan President Hugo Chavez, he also said that evangelicals have a duty to bring on the end times by "doing the work of the Lord" and "fulfilling the Christian duty to 'release' Heathens, Jews, and Mohamedans to the ministrations of our Lord and Savior Christ Jesus!".

This message, released in a code known only to donors to the 700 Club, is actually a call to slaughter. "Release" is a eupemism for "Kill", and this was a hidden message to the faithful to prepare for the coming final days by 'cleansing' the earth of non-believers.

This reporter was told by an anonymous inside source that 700 Club doctrine requires that every member not only tithe "1 in 10", but must also fulfill the so-called "10 to 1" in order to assure access to heaven after death or during the Rapture. "10 to 1" is a secret code meaning, 10 dead heathens for every 1 Christian soul saved. This reporter was told that "10 to 1" also applies to family members, that is, if a family member is to be saved from the tortures of Hell, 10 heathens must be 'released' in their name. Since the 700 club members breed like rabbits on viagra, the potential number of necessary 'releases' numbers in the hundreds of millions.

The final secret code authorizing the "great release" was not given in recent 700 club programming, but anonymous sources say that the time is nigh. Walmart sales of ammunition are reported as reaching heretofore unheard of levels in anticipation of the coming glorious day.

Stephen Baldwin Confesses "I Am Dumber Than A Sack of Hammers"

During a recent pause in his book selling tour peddling some kind of tripe to gullible christians, the forgettable and forgotten actor of bad B disaster movies confessed to this reporter, "It's true, I was a failure as an actor, but now, I am turning my mental deficiency to profitable use by selling my stupidity to folks even dumber than me. And there's a whole passle of 'em!".

"I'm as dumb as a sack of hammers, but not so dumb that I can't see an oppurtunity when it slaps me in the face.", he said.

Referring to his recent appearance on Primetime, he read from a prepared script- "When I saw what happened on 9/11, well, I knew that such a thing was impossible, and if 9/11 happened, which was impossible, then maybe Christ was going to return to earth, and I better start believeing in him right away. (This is not fiction, he really did say this in his Primetime interview, during a Primetime show about the influence of big business on the eveangelical movement.).

When this reporter asked Mr Baldwin how much money he was making from his "celebrity" appearances at evangelical mega events, and the sales of his books and CDs, he said, "A fuck of a lot more than I was making from those crappy movies...".

This reporter thinks that maybe he's dumb like a fox, crying "Hallelujah" all the way to the bank.

Christians Celebrate CAFTA - "Who Needs Jobs? The Rapture Is Nigh!"

Evangelical Christians across the United States celebrated and cheered the recently signed CAFTA agreement, announcing that it was one more sign that Christ was returning to judge the sinners of America. " That giant sucking sound you hear,", Coral Ridge Pastor Kennedy said to this reporter, "It's not just the sound of American jobs disappearing, it's the fiery breath of Lord God Himself, preparing for the Rapture! Real Christians, and I'm not talking about those Idol Worshipping Papists or the annoying Jemimah's Witnesses or those Triple Damned To Hell for Three Eternities Latter Day Saints fakers, just us real Southern Baptists and maybe a few Seventh Day Adventists and Snake Handlers, aren't going to need jobs by the end of this year, or next year at the latest, because we are going to Heaven toot sweet! In heaven each and every Evangelical is going to have one heathen slave for every penny they have ever sent to the Coral Ridge Hour of Power show, and they ain't gonna have to lift a finger or do a smidgeon of work no moh, ever agin!".

" Jobs are for suckers who haven't read our books and accepted the new scripture into their hearts.", agreed the authors of the best selling "Left Behind" series. " If you're a dirty jew, or a filthy sand nigger raghead, or a presbyterian or methodist or God Forbid a half-pap episcopalian, then you can worry about CAFTA, because your sorry ass is GOING TO BE LEFT BEHIND!". (Excuse me while I wipe the rabid slather from my lips, he apologized...). "But we Righteous and Only Beloved of God Evangelicals stand %100 percent behind our noble corporate boards and their adoring servants the God Fearing Republicans in their decision to sell the American worker down the river and into permanent lower class status, because we know the End of the World is Nigh and jobs are a thing of the past."

God was contacted for comment but He did not return our phone calls.

Buffy Kicks Ass of Zombie Pope

Fuggin Hilarious has learned that Buffy the Vampire Slayer has suceeded in her secret mission to deal with the Vatican's latest and dirtiest secret, the accidental creation of an Undead or "Zombie" during the ornate ceremonies being performed over the recently deceased Pope John Paul II.

The details of the actual slayage are being kept confidential at this time.

The Pope's funeral proceeded on schedule.

Buffy, returning to her public personae as Sarah Michelle Geller, has decided to extend her stay in Rome. Our contact within the church, speaking on the condition that he not be named, said that Buffy was looking forward to getting pinched on the butt by those irrepressible Italian momma's boys.

"I got a nice grab of Buffy butt myself.", our informant told F.H.. "As round and firm as a twelve year old boy's. Not as tight tho, would be my bet...".

Buffy the Vampire Slayer Leaves Retirement to Slay Zombie Pope

While the rest of Christendom files past a wax dummy, Vatican officials have been concluding a secret agreement to bring the famous "Vampire Slayer" out of her much deserved retirement in a last ditch effort to cope with the growing ravages of the cannibalistic Undead Pontiff.

"We really need someone to come and kick this Pope's ass.", an anonymous Church Father told Fuggin Hilarious. "Things are really getting out of hand. He's not one of those slow and stumbling 'Dawn of the Dead' type zombies, he's '28 Days Later', quick and mean and smart, and we are just dropping like flies in there..."

Buffy, in her secret identity as Sarah Michelle Geller, is known to have arrived in Rome, but it is not known wether Michele Tractenburg, Alyson Hannigan, and Elisa Dushku, have joined her there, which would be really hot. I mean seriously, think of all those girls half-naked fighting the Zombie Pope. We are talking big comeback here.

President Bush Declares Opiates Now Officially The Religion of the Masses

Due to the overwhleming success of the war on Afghanistan, and the resounding recovery of it's poppy industry, President Bush has announced that in order to aid the Afghani economy he has under the Emergency Powers Articles of the Patriuot Act authorized a new $100 Billion program to distribute opium and heroin solely thru the auspices of the Southern Baptist church.

Those practicing religions not authorized to distribute opium are ordered to report to the appropriate authorities to be tatooed on the forehead and arm. Thosefound to be unmarked are to be burned at the stake.

"Heroin is better than sodomy", Baptist leaders agreed, "We're ready to do our part to help those godless heathens.".

Fuggin Hilarious Declared Anathema by Zombie Pope

It's sad to see an icon go bad, but because of a horrible error in latin, instead of being interred in sanctity the pope has risen to become one of the holy undead. The Cardinals responsible for this horrible reversal of X-tian dogma have been eaten. "Old, stringy, and greasy." declared the zombie pontiff, "But the wine was pretty good."

The vatican suffers in terror, and the list of the eaten grows minute by minute, but due to his infalibilty no one is willing to defy the new Zombie Pope. A flood of papal bulls have been streaming from the copy machines of the Vatican PR Office, and Fuggin Hilarious has learned that it is the subject of one of these new reeking documents of the ressurected pontif. It seems we've been excommunicated. But that is the least of the revelations...

The Zombie Pope revealed that this was, indeed, armegeddon, that we lost, and that the Antichrist G.W. Bush had prepared the way for the rapture. Basically, the Undead Pope admitted, the ribald cartoon South Park was the new Bible, and everything that was ever said in South Park episodes was totally the truth. Finally, the pope admitted that the Mormons were actually the only real christians, but the Jehovahs Witnesses were a close second.

New revelations are expected soon.