700 Club Urges Christians to "Kill Kill KIll"

While Pat Robertsons call for assasination has made the mass media, the real story has been missed. Shortly after Pat Robertson declared that the US government should kill Venezuelan President Hugo Chavez, he also said that evangelicals have a duty to bring on the end times by "doing the work of the Lord" and "fulfilling the Christian duty to 'release' Heathens, Jews, and Mohamedans to the ministrations of our Lord and Savior Christ Jesus!".

This message, released in a code known only to donors to the 700 Club, is actually a call to slaughter. "Release" is a eupemism for "Kill", and this was a hidden message to the faithful to prepare for the coming final days by 'cleansing' the earth of non-believers.

This reporter was told by an anonymous inside source that 700 Club doctrine requires that every member not only tithe "1 in 10", but must also fulfill the so-called "10 to 1" in order to assure access to heaven after death or during the Rapture. "10 to 1" is a secret code meaning, 10 dead heathens for every 1 Christian soul saved. This reporter was told that "10 to 1" also applies to family members, that is, if a family member is to be saved from the tortures of Hell, 10 heathens must be 'released' in their name. Since the 700 club members breed like rabbits on viagra, the potential number of necessary 'releases' numbers in the hundreds of millions.

The final secret code authorizing the "great release" was not given in recent 700 club programming, but anonymous sources say that the time is nigh. Walmart sales of ammunition are reported as reaching heretofore unheard of levels in anticipation of the coming glorious day.