Stephen Baldwin Confesses "I Am Dumber Than A Sack of Hammers"

During a recent pause in his book selling tour peddling some kind of tripe to gullible christians, the forgettable and forgotten actor of bad B disaster movies confessed to this reporter, "It's true, I was a failure as an actor, but now, I am turning my mental deficiency to profitable use by selling my stupidity to folks even dumber than me. And there's a whole passle of 'em!".

"I'm as dumb as a sack of hammers, but not so dumb that I can't see an oppurtunity when it slaps me in the face.", he said.

Referring to his recent appearance on Primetime, he read from a prepared script- "When I saw what happened on 9/11, well, I knew that such a thing was impossible, and if 9/11 happened, which was impossible, then maybe Christ was going to return to earth, and I better start believeing in him right away. (This is not fiction, he really did say this in his Primetime interview, during a Primetime show about the influence of big business on the eveangelical movement.).

When this reporter asked Mr Baldwin how much money he was making from his "celebrity" appearances at evangelical mega events, and the sales of his books and CDs, he said, "A fuck of a lot more than I was making from those crappy movies...".

This reporter thinks that maybe he's dumb like a fox, crying "Hallelujah" all the way to the bank.

Christians Celebrate CAFTA - "Who Needs Jobs? The Rapture Is Nigh!"

Evangelical Christians across the United States celebrated and cheered the recently signed CAFTA agreement, announcing that it was one more sign that Christ was returning to judge the sinners of America. " That giant sucking sound you hear,", Coral Ridge Pastor Kennedy said to this reporter, "It's not just the sound of American jobs disappearing, it's the fiery breath of Lord God Himself, preparing for the Rapture! Real Christians, and I'm not talking about those Idol Worshipping Papists or the annoying Jemimah's Witnesses or those Triple Damned To Hell for Three Eternities Latter Day Saints fakers, just us real Southern Baptists and maybe a few Seventh Day Adventists and Snake Handlers, aren't going to need jobs by the end of this year, or next year at the latest, because we are going to Heaven toot sweet! In heaven each and every Evangelical is going to have one heathen slave for every penny they have ever sent to the Coral Ridge Hour of Power show, and they ain't gonna have to lift a finger or do a smidgeon of work no moh, ever agin!".

" Jobs are for suckers who haven't read our books and accepted the new scripture into their hearts.", agreed the authors of the best selling "Left Behind" series. " If you're a dirty jew, or a filthy sand nigger raghead, or a presbyterian or methodist or God Forbid a half-pap episcopalian, then you can worry about CAFTA, because your sorry ass is GOING TO BE LEFT BEHIND!". (Excuse me while I wipe the rabid slather from my lips, he apologized...). "But we Righteous and Only Beloved of God Evangelicals stand %100 percent behind our noble corporate boards and their adoring servants the God Fearing Republicans in their decision to sell the American worker down the river and into permanent lower class status, because we know the End of the World is Nigh and jobs are a thing of the past."

God was contacted for comment but He did not return our phone calls.